the road need to be taken

assalamualaikum..

hye

"just because it hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean it won't" 

what i'm doing right now??  

should i wait or just let him go? 

i did promised to my self .. just forget him.. yes i do! but i really thought i did it well.. everytime u show up in my head.. i end up breaking down like this.. owh God 

i really hate this eyes.. why they keep sheding tears!? 

do i need to keep believing those words? waiting for something that won't be happen even for a thousand years..? 

"am i still waiting for you?" this question keep bothering me.. lingering inside my head 

why my self so pathetic? 

waiting is painful 

forgetting is painful 

but.. 

not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering 

i'd had short conversation with my friend just now.. 

her: my mom said whoever come first propose me.. she will accept him. and i really hope he(her bf) is the person 

me : wow.... cool.. but dont put a lot of hope.. just keep praying and praying.. ask from The God for the best 

her : if that so.. what if i just wait u to get married first lah 

me : hahahha.. i even had neither boyfriend nor scandal right now.. how come i can get married first? there's no one outside there want 'this' kind of girl. hahahha 

her : its not about no one want u.. but its u. u still waiting for 'him' right? 

me : err.. no i'm not.. i already let him go 

her : so.. after this.. if someone try to get close with u.. u will let it? 

me : of course.. but.. if they dare enough la.. haha 

..... 

i've tried hard before.. i do everything.. everything to forget him 

-- i registered as a member at one of matchmaking website 

-- i tried to be more friendly towards guys 

-- i accept when someone ask to know me better.. we reach each other through chatting, phone call, texting.. 

-- even my friend.. even i don't like him.. but when he said he like me.. i force myself to like him to.. 

but it just.. wasting.. not working.. at the end.. i choose to be single.. live on my own.. as time went.. i get to used with this kind of life.. living without any special person in my life.. without care from anyone.. without love.. am i happy?? 

i'm a great liar if i said 'yes i'm happy'!! hell no.. being alone.. painful. i love walking at the lake.. observing the landscape.. beautiful scenery.. cute children playing around.. happy family spend time together.. lovely couple chatting and laughing.. i'm jealous.. 

what is love? the love that i know till now.. only love from my parents.. family members.. and of course.. my Creator.. He loves me more.. i know it 

but love from friends and someone special? i've no interest on it.. i'll love those who love me.. people keep ask.. where's ur friends?? 

hahahhaha i only said that.. here(UTM).. i only have a few friends.. can be count by ur fingers.. not more than 10 i guess.. or maybe just 5? 

F.R.I.E.N.D.S 

7 alphabets.. a words.. but give deep of sorrow.. i'm very sensitive when people talk about friends.. cuz.. i choose friends as my first priority rather than having boyfriend.. but..... ~sigh.. 

i do have a bestfriend.. i have a lot of friends before.. live like others.. happy.. i have a boyfriend before.. but.. all of them.. ALL OF THEM.. those whom i really care.. i put my trust on them.. they go away. leave me with deep scar inside here. how can i easily forget? when i stumbled and fall.. is there any of u give ur hand? sadly.. NO. 

i've been defamed, betrayed, stabbed my back.. u guys so cool!! and now.. people keep blaming me saying that i'm avengeful person.. 'suka touching'.. they easily said let bygone be bygone.. yes. true.. 

but.. people! have u ever experienced what i've been go through before?? have u? do u know how hurt this heart?  

do u know how hard i tried to build up my strength back again and again when they let me fall? when everyone pushed me? people dont trust me.. its okay.. but even my bestfriend leave me when everyone abandoned me.. i cant stand it 

do u know how long these eyes full with tears? till now.. it never dried 

do u know how hard i manage to smile again? no u dont know.. u never know till u experienced it by urself. 

do u know how hard i need to survived ALONE?? i forced my self to learn everything rapidly.. just to keep survive at there. u never know right? 

leaving me at a place where there's no one i can laying on.. kau ada perasaan kesian tak kat aku masa tu?? did u?? i bet no. 

and i dont get any single 'sorry' from u my dear.. till now.. 

every single words come out from ur mouth.. i'll carry them till my last breath.. 

so.. do i need friend? everytime when people ask me.. 'pergi la cari kawan..' , 'hey, where's ur friend?', 'tak hanging out dgn kawan2 ke?' 

i just keep silent. people called me.. labelled me.. i'm arrogant person.. say whatever u wanna say.. i cant shut ur mouth 

i want to have a lot of friends like others.. i really miss those moment.. hanging out.. sharing story.. but.. i'm just afraid.. afraid to get close with people cuz they will hurt me. that's why i always remind my self.. always keep a distance.. put a line so that no one can cross it. then i'll be safe.. but till when i can live like this? i dont know.. 

love? i'm still young.. and.. i dont want to fall in love again.. cuz.. love is suck. love is hurt. i dont believe true love. is true love exist? bullshit 

**********************

mungkin sebab terlalu lama aku bawak diri sampai aku lupa 'how to making friends'.. aku tak reti nak berkawan.. sekarang.. aku belajar semula.. belajar terima setiap yang datang dalam hidup aku.. maaf andai ada yang terasa kalau sikap aku kasar.. terutama pada kawan lelaki.. mungkin orang cakap aku sombong.. well.. aku bukan sombong cuma berhati2 .. setakat ni kawan yang aku ada.. yang boleh kongsi cerita.. 

--hannah--kela--azhim--eca--alid 

5 orang je.. pity me.. :) takpa.. lebih baik dari takde kawan langsung.. terima kasih Allah.. ^_^

cinta? yang tu tolak tepi dulu. takde masa lagi nak fikir.. (buang masa) 

i'm writing these.. not to ask for any sympathy from people.. it just to answer them.. those whom keep blaming me till now and take it as a lesson for ur life  

daa....